Last week, I embarked upon a quest: a quest to let Carnie Wilson know who I am, and that I think she is DA BOMB. I put the call out to Carnie. I’ve even got Fit Club host Ant assisting me — Ant and I have been corresponding for weeks (we’re pretty much BFFE’s now) and he forwarded the link to my recap to Carnie. No, not through some VH-1 publicist. He sent it to CARNIE’S PERSONAL EMAIL. How’s that for friends in high places? All I want is a quick email from Carnie. So far… no Carnie. But, as Wilson Phillips sang, I’m going to “hold on for one more day”, because “the dream is still alive”: Ant says Carnie does not check her email regularly, so it might be awhile before I hear from her. I know everyone’s losing sleep waiting to find out what happens. I’ll keep you posted. Carnie Watch is on.

It’s day 86, and the journey is almost over for our celebs (and used-to-be celebs, like Tina Yothers. Oh, I’m kidding. I’m sure every time Tina goes into Wal-Mart to score some of those every day low prices she is just MOBBED). Bone Crusher is up first. This week, Bone and Harvey finally had their one-on-one basketball game. Harvey in a suit behind the desk saying “Atta boy” and patting the celebs on the back is BORING. This is the Harvey I like: out in the elements, kicking some fat ass. Says my boy Ant, “From the opening whistle, Bone uses his bulk and takes an early lead.” But before long, Harvey’s running circles around Bone; Bone can’t keep up. So what does Bone do? He belly-bumps Harvey and sends him flying about ten feet. YAY BONE! THAT’S FOR ALL THE FAT BOYS! Hey, if you got the girth you might as well use it. Now Harvey’s taking no prisoners. He tells Dr. Ian (who’s standing there looking lost, like he took a wrong turn on the way to the Library): “You bring some Motrin, Doctor?” Says Ant: “In the end, Harvey’s speed trumped Bone’s bulk,” and Harvey won 11-2. Back in the Weigh-In Chamber, Harvey and Bone stroke each other off with the old “You’re great.” “No, YOU’RE great.” Says Bone: “I told Harvey I was gonna destroy him. He destroyed me.” Harvey replies, “You played basketball in 100 degree weather, one-on-one. That speaks volumes right there.” Get a room. Bone is down 5 lbs. this week, and his target for next week’s FINAL weigh-in is 5 lbs.

In this week’s Fit Camp, Ant says “we put you through one of the ultimate Physical Fitness challenges”: the Fit Club Triathlon. The teams have to swim 4 lengths in a 25 meter pool, ride 3 miles on a bike, and run a mile. What do they win? “A Luxury Package Kitchenware from Cuisinart. Everything you’ll need to make healthy meals at home long after your Fit Club journey is over.” Be still my heart. It’s basically a toaster oven, a blender, and some pots and pans. But Ant, bless him, is really selling it. Tina is jazzed, and rushes over to inspect the goods (”A toaster oven!? I’ve always wanted a toaster oven. But since Family Ties was cancelled I can’t afford such luxuries”). Tina and Carnie face off for the swim, and of course that supercompetitive Tina leaves Carnie splashing in her waves. This leaves the Blue Team 30 seconds behind. (”Oh no! We can’t lose the Luxury Kitchenware. WE JUST CAN’T!”)

It’s Erika and Bone vs. Vinny and Angie in the bike race. Skinny little Erika easily passes Vinny, and makes up some major time for her team. Vinny tags off to Angie, and Ant says “The big question: would this be a repeat of Angie’s legendary collapse during the Week 2 Bike Race?” I wish. Angie’s legendary collapse was hilarious. But, alas, this is the “No excuses. And no carrot cake” Angie Stone. And Angie gets her redemption: “This time she was flying around the track.” Also flying around the track were her 44 DD’s. I’m getting dizzy just watching ‘em. Whoo-lawdy! When Bone takes to his bike, his 44 DD’s are bouncing around too. Bike riding, while good for you, is not very attractive.

The mile-run is yet another Nick vs. Ted showdown. Ted has a one minute deficit to make up for the Red Team. Good luck with that. The guys both get off to a solid start, but soon Nick loses steam and starts walking. Spurred on by Harvey (”Do it for the old men!”), Ted keep going full steam ahead. But it’s not enough: Nick sprints the last half-lap and brings it home for the Blue Team. Of course Nick won: he’d send himself into cardiac arrest before he’d allow himself to lose.

Back at the Weigh-In Chamber, Nick’s up. He’s wearing an eye-popping red suit. Right after this he’s got an audition for The Joker in the next “Batman” sequel. We get a brief flash of nuttiness that made me so nostalgic for the old psycho Nick as he describes his victorious run: “I was, like, on fire. I was on fire. My whole body was tingling. I was running like a tiger.” Next time VH-1 reruns this episode, listen to this sound bite with your eyes closed: I swear Nick sounded just like Rosie Perez. Ant asks if Nick felt vindicated after he beat Ted. Nick is compelled to remind everyone that, even though he’s like 5′6″ and has a squeaky, high-pitched voice, he has the bigger cojones: “I never felt like he blew me away at anything.” Ted wants everyone to know that his balls are just as big. Old, yes, but big. He says Nick “took a break. He walked. I ran the whole time.” Nick good-naturedly concedes, “I’m not knocking him. He’s 60 years old. The guy’s awesome. I was afraid of him!”

This week, Fit Club accompanied Nick and The Fam on their vacation to the Jersey Shore (further proof that Nick ain’t a celebrity — he vacations at THE JERSEY SHORE?! SO not glamorous). Ant tells us, “When Nick arrived at Fit Club, he refused to take off his shirt.” Which explains why all season we had to look at him in that lime green speedo, covered with an oversized white t-shirt. But after dropping some pounds, “Nick was eager to bare it all.” Oh boy. This is gonna be good. Nick and family are at a shop, and Nick emerges from the dressing room… wearing nothing but a hat, a speedo and a smile. My oh my. Now, Nick is certainly not fat. But still, this is not a pretty picture. He’s got precious little muscle tone, and a little belly. I’ll put it this way: there are very few men who can pull off a speedo. Nick Turturro is not one of them. We don’t just get one speedo — it’s a Fashion Show! Nick’s next hot little number is a bright yellow speedo that hugs his curves just right. Mrs. Turturro looks like she wants to throw her man down and jump on Little Nicky. She’s loving it. The Turturro children? Not so much. “I can’t look,” cries his daughter. The poor thing’s going to have that image in her head for the rest of her life. But it gets worse. Or better, depending on how you look at it. Personally, I could watch this all day. Nick ends the Fashion Show with a bang: he comes out wearing a red thong. Yes, a THONG. Nick flashes his bare white buttcheeks to the camera, and WOW! Baby got back! Nick, obviously an exhibitionist, seems turned on by this: he definitely has a semi. Even Nick draws the line somewhere: he decides the thong is a tad too much. He wears the yellow speedo out (I sure hope he purchased the other speedos too — he didn’t try them on and put them back on the shelf, did he? Ewww). Nick hits the beach, and “It’s just Nick, his tiny yellow speedo, and a dose of newfound confidence.” Nick does a little D-List Celebrities Gone Wild mugging for the camera, asking: “You like that?” It made my week, Nick.

Last week Nick broke even. This week he loses 2 lbs. Harvey gives him a little well-deserved hell: “I don’t know about them doggone speedos.” Nick defends, “I like bathing suits that are a little, you know, a little risque.” “Let’s make a deal,” says Harvey. “You work at that body a little bit more before you put the speedos back on.” Don’t listen to him, Nick. Keep wearing the speedo. I haven’t laughed so hard in months.

Vinny’s up next. At the start of the season, Vinny was a lot of fun. But lately, I gotta say, he’s become really boring. Aside from being constipated, he hasn’t done anything interesting in weeks. Vinny has a great weigh-in — he loses 7 lbs. He tells the panel, “I feel so good that last night I went out running. Or walking. I don’t know. I was doing something on the beach.” Please tell me you were wearing a speedo. Vin’s target for the final weigh-in is 4 lbs.

This week Angie had a show, and Fit Club tagged along. Angie’s performing at BB King’s club in New York City. Hey, I’ve been there. But when I was there… I saw Air Supply. Really. They were great. While Angie’s entourage is chowing down on all sorts of pastas, and fried chicken…Angie is eating salad. She says “I’m looking past the brownies” …and she’s eating a pear. Man, that sucks. Don’t you hate it when the skinny f*cks around you have their plates piled high with meat, and pasta, and scrumptious, scrumptious dessert… and you’re trying to be good? I feel your pain, Angie. But Angie’s being a trouper: as she peels her pear she says “Now this… this has it going on.” She’s just trying to stop herself from diving headfirst into the lasagna. “You might catch me eating, but you won’t catch me cheating.” I like that. Angie can be a celebrity spokesperson — she’s already got a catchphrase. Are you listening, Jenny Craig? Angie hits the stage, and gives a shout-out to Dr. Ian, who’s in the audience. Ian even comes onstage… and dances. Yes, dances. It was almost as trainwreck fabulous as Nick’s thong. Almost. Ian’s bopping around like a drunk white boy. Ian says Angie “had the house rocking. Her vocals were awesome. And above all things, she was sweating. She probably lost 2 lbs. tonight!” Christ. He’s like that one irritating co-worker who, when you go to Happy Hour, can’t stop talking about work. Leave it at the office, putz. You know he just came to keep Angie away from that buffet.

Angie hits the scale. She’s wearing jeans tonight, and they’re not doing her any favors — her ass looks like it needs it’s own zip code. But Angie does great: she’s down 5 lbs., to 209. And the new positive Angie tells the panel: “Catching our mistakes and turning them around is what’s most important. With the smoking, with the obesity, with the medication, I was slipping on my game and at the end of the day there’s no one to blame but me.” Harvey notes, “This is the first time I’ve heard you really take responsibility.” He’s just thrilled. I bet he has a giant boner.

Tina weighs in, and she holds at 161. Tina is really disappointed — she usually drops at least 4 lbs. But she’s still in the lead for the race for the car: she’s lost 16.5% of her body weight. Her closest competition, Erika, is up next. Erika’s down a pound, bringing her loss to 15% of her body weight. Dr. Ian, desperately hoping for a catfight, asks Tina: “Is there any chance you could lose this to Erika?” “No,” says Tina, “absolutely not.” Erika is like, Bring it on, Bitch: “I’m not worried. Do I look scared?”

Carnie’s been having a tough time: she’s saying all the right things, but she hasn’t met her target weight loss in weeks. So Harvey and Dr. Ian decide to find out what’s really going on: they basically ambush Carnie, and throw her in a car. Carnie’s not happy about it. “Can you please tell me what the hell is going on right now?” But the boys won’t tell her a thing. They bring Carnie to an “abandoned warehouse”, and the set designers did a great job — the atmosphere was great. They had the slow fan blowing, the lone light bulb shining in Carnie’s face. Dr. Ian even makes an attempt to not look like Urkel’s big brother — he’s wearing all black, and he’s sporting some stubble. You know it took him WEEKS to grow that. Harvey says “You tell us you’re working out. You tell us you’re doing your diet. It just don’t add up.” And they reveal to Carnie: they’re giving her a lie detector test.

As Carnie’s #1 fan, you’d think I’d be phoning in bomb threats to VH-1 or something. I thought about it. But I decided I’m okay with this. It puts Carnie back in the spotlight — where she belongs. More importantly, the truth is Carnie had hit a wall. And this “intervention”, ridiculous as it is, was the boost she needed to tear down that wall. They ask Carnie: “Have you cheated on your diet?” Reluctantly, through gritted teeth, Carnie answers: “Yes.” The lie detector guy gives this answer a thumbs-up. “Are you giving your all when it comes to exercise?” Carnie thinks about it, and gives an honest “yes”, but this time the guy gives her a thumbs-down. “Have you had cookies or cakes in the last month?” Oh, man. Carnie looks like she wants to throttle them, but ‘fesses up: “Yes.” The final verdict? Carnie was fairly honest about her food, answering 4 out of 7 diet questions honestly. The bigger problem seems to be exercise: she only answered 2 out of 7 questions honestly.

Back at the Weigh-In Chamber, Carnie declares: “I have spoken the truth the whole time and I don’t care what that motherf*cking lie detector test says.” That’s my girl! Carnie gets on the scale, and she’s down 4 lbs. The panel asks what she did differently this week. Carnie tells them, “I exercised my ass off.” Great job, Carnie!

Last, and quite possibly least, is Ted. He’s already down to his goal weight of 164, and this week, he maintained. For next week, the panel convinces Ted to try to lose a few pounds to bring his team’s total up.

It’s Big Scale Time. For the first time in a long time (ever?) Hot Buttered Soul (that name still makes me cringe) bests the Fat Crushers, losing 12 lbs. to their 11 lbs. But the Fat Crushers are still in the lead overall by 13 lbs.

Next week we’re promised a Finale with lots of tears. The National Enquirer revealed weeks ago who won the sweet Camry Hybrid — we’ll see if they’re right.